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Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Sometimes, you just have to jump...

Wow... the emotional rollercoaster of the last few days has been extreme. The incredible sense of relief, the incredible sadness, love, fear, resolution, determination... you name it, I've been there. We're approaching the last few days of gathering information that will be the cornerstone of our decision to keep the house or walk away. In the past 48 hours, I've met with a bankruptcy attorney, called my family to tell them we are likely moving back, told my boss that I will be relocating in may, called home again to say that we might not have to leave, told my boss that I may not have to leave, and had quite a few conversationswith friends and coworkers about leaving. The thing here, behind all the rest of it, is that we have an SBA disaster loan that is, well, a disaster. But the crux of the change was telling the SBA that they could take the house-- to which they responded : um... no... we don't want to do that, let's see what we can work out. Now, it's not like we haven;t been asking them to work with us for the past six months, but this is the fist time we've simply said No More. If we don't fix the HVAC system the house will be unliveable come mid May, if we don't fix the plumbing (and resulting carpentry issues) problems, one bath day we'll find ourselves sitting under the house. If we continue to pay the SBA we can't do the repairs (and yes, doing them is still going to be a huge belt tightening pull on an already emaciated piggy bank) but it is mostly doable. It's been a lot of conversations about what is and isn't okay now, and what will and won't be okay in the future. It's been conversations about limits and how far past them we've already been pushed, are willing to continue being pushed, are incapable of being pushed anymore. It's been conversations about disappointment, shame, desire, blood from a stone, blood from a dream, and the incredible powers of belief, faith, and the universe. It has been moments of silent frustration at all the things that "could have been". Through it all has been a sense of peace, because those that love and care about us are gathering around us (physically and spiritually) with hugs and support and prayers and positive thoughts and the kindest words and gestures. To be told, so often, in the past few days that "We just want you to be happy and safe" has been such a relief as we've gone from calling to movers to putting on the brakes on having to leave has been the happiest and safest knowledge we've had in awhile. But I can breathe again. And by the end of the day today, I expect to know a whole lot more about how things are going to go, an yes, that could mean that we're back on the short list of packing it up and heading on out. And I appreciate all of you who are going though this ride vicariously. I'm sorry it is so DRAMA filled. I'm not a drama person, usually. But I do know that whatever comes, we'll be okay, and we are surrounded by people who love us and care about us. I know that no matter what happens, the world still needs more art and love and kindness. And i know that even when I least feel like it, giving more is the only way to make this world more resemble the one I believe in.

Make something beautiful with your hands and your heart,


Bernice said...

I am just amazed that in the middle of all this you can still write so beautifully. Hang in there. Lots of love and hugs. Bernice

Trece said...

Love you, Kaere. Praying for you to keep walking in peace. (((((HUGS)))))

dawn13 said...

Just a note to say how happy I am for you & your family Kaere. I can just imagine the gamut of emotions you have been through, but it warmed my heart to hear you say that you can now "breathe" again.
I wish continued Peace & Love,