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Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Sometimes, you just have to jump...

Wow... the emotional rollercoaster of the last few days has been extreme. The incredible sense of relief, the incredible sadness, love, fear, resolution, determination... you name it, I've been there. We're approaching the last few days of gathering information that will be the cornerstone of our decision to keep the house or walk away. In the past 48 hours, I've met with a bankruptcy attorney, called my family to tell them we are likely moving back, told my boss that I will be relocating in may, called home again to say that we might not have to leave, told my boss that I may not have to leave, and had quite a few conversationswith friends and coworkers about leaving. The thing here, behind all the rest of it, is that we have an SBA disaster loan that is, well, a disaster. But the crux of the change was telling the SBA that they could take the house-- to which they responded : um... no... we don't want to do that, let's see what we can work out. Now, it's not like we haven;t been asking them to work with us for the past six months, but this is the fist time we've simply said No More. If we don't fix the HVAC system the house will be unliveable come mid May, if we don't fix the plumbing (and resulting carpentry issues) problems, one bath day we'll find ourselves sitting under the house. If we continue to pay the SBA we can't do the repairs (and yes, doing them is still going to be a huge belt tightening pull on an already emaciated piggy bank) but it is mostly doable. It's been a lot of conversations about what is and isn't okay now, and what will and won't be okay in the future. It's been conversations about limits and how far past them we've already been pushed, are willing to continue being pushed, are incapable of being pushed anymore. It's been conversations about disappointment, shame, desire, blood from a stone, blood from a dream, and the incredible powers of belief, faith, and the universe. It has been moments of silent frustration at all the things that "could have been". Through it all has been a sense of peace, because those that love and care about us are gathering around us (physically and spiritually) with hugs and support and prayers and positive thoughts and the kindest words and gestures. To be told, so often, in the past few days that "We just want you to be happy and safe" has been such a relief as we've gone from calling to movers to putting on the brakes on having to leave has been the happiest and safest knowledge we've had in awhile. But I can breathe again. And by the end of the day today, I expect to know a whole lot more about how things are going to go, an yes, that could mean that we're back on the short list of packing it up and heading on out. And I appreciate all of you who are going though this ride vicariously. I'm sorry it is so DRAMA filled. I'm not a drama person, usually. But I do know that whatever comes, we'll be okay, and we are surrounded by people who love us and care about us. I know that no matter what happens, the world still needs more art and love and kindness. And i know that even when I least feel like it, giving more is the only way to make this world more resemble the one I believe in.

Make something beautiful with your hands and your heart,

Thursday, February 23, 2012

There will be time and time Enough...

A million years ago, shortly after I stopped studying art and started studying language, I had a bit of a meltdown about writers who seemed to love obscurity for obscurity's sake... and then, I really did fall in love with TS Eliot...and that one line seems to always be at the center of my psyche...
The world has been slowly pushing me into decisions, making the way to make things clear... and so after surviving a winter with no heat, we've hit the first day of 80 degrees and Joe decided to test the air... no such luck. The line iced over and at least he turned the unit off before we ended up with another ceiling flood. But this is the catalyst... because Joe and Sea will be miserable in the heat of the summer here-- and we haven't the ability to use a different type of cooling system... so while we are just barely scraping by with the changes the SBA has made to our house note, we simply cannot replace a six thousand dollar air unit. So, I'll spend these couple of days off making arrangements for moving the family back east... and see what comes from really shaking the tree... The thing is that as hard as things have been here, as difficult as work is, I love being here. I love this house and my job and my work family and all the life we've been building here. The thing is that I can't believe that I'm going to lose my house for want of a six thousand dollar repair... and a few thousand additional dollars a year... it is that small an amount, and that much riding on it. And I have a hard time wrapping my head around that. The thing is that with all the great things beginning to come into our lives, nothing is happening fast enough to stop this slow-motion trainwreck. I'm brave... always have been and hopefully, always will be... but I'm scared about this... about disappointing people and the emotional back lash of feeling like a failure. I'm afraid that this surrender will be the beginning of a series of surrenders back into a life i don't want to live. I know that there are choices here, and that at the end of every hour I am in control of those but I feel a bit adrift. So I'm sitting here with a glass of wine and a cigarette and eyes with barely contained tears, sniffling in my sadness at a good bye I'm not really desiring. I'm sitting here calling in my miracles, all at once, please. just this one more time (because keeping us alive through Hurricane Katrina might have taken all the miracles I had at that time) and accepting that sometimes even the RIGHT answer isn't the one we most want. But I'm really hoping that there are still just enough miracles left in my life to keep us in this life here, in our house. We've gone so far as to set up a charity fund which makes me feel both grateful and ashamed at the same time. I believe that there is answer that will not diminish us. I just don't know what it is yet. so I keep up with my Book of Days journal

and I still try to do my best at work, I work on thePlanet You shop and am still working on the upcoming Planet You
workshops. Life is going to go on and I'm going to continue to do my best to find my place in it and offer peace and kindness where I can. "The world will turn, at least that's what they say, we'll crash and burn it's hard to look away, these kinds of things are easier to say than do." -- Aimee Mann

Make something beautiful with your heart and your hands,

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

On Love and suffering...

So... it's St. Valentine's Day... and unlike most, I am drawn to the martyr images of St. Valentine... which are horrific but yet, strangely peaceful. Love is something that is easier to think about as puppy kisses, new baby smells, fuirst date stomach flutters. It is hard to remember that with love comes a certain and distinct amoun of suffering-- the pain we feel when those we love are hurting, the stretching of ourselves to allow room for another to really inhabit our lives, the plain day to day dealing with the little things that we don't even like about those we love... because yes... love doesn't erase that he leaves the toilet seat up, or he answers every question witha question... love simply makes room or the piler of dislikes to gather in a corner waiting to be swept away as part of the weekly chores. Real Love is work... it is commitment, and one that requires reaffirming. Real love is soul spreading-- which is awesome, in the truest sense of that word. Real love is worth more than just having one day dedicated to it... worth remembering and honoring every day. Real love is a blessing. In the midst of all the hardship I am facing... when it is easier to say "just forget this" and get out, I work hard every day not to just remember but to express my love for those in my life.

Today-- don't just say I love you, make a pact with yourself to say it more often.
Make something beautiful with your heart and your hands,

Monday, February 13, 2012

a little Reorganization at the Shop at Planet You

Whew... I've been on a getting organized kick... which is only just beginning to show as a more space and less clutter reward. In my efforts to pare things down, streamline my storage and cataloguing and generally make life a little easier and less stressful I decided to re-do the Shop at Planet You... which was NOT less stressful or easy, but I'm a technophobe, and I learn most things by failing at them the first, second, third or fiftieth time. But... here's the deal... if you haven't visited the Shop at Planet You, come take a peek... Currently in stock are an assortment of Adirondack Paint Dabbers, Punchinella, Derwent Inktense Pencils, scrap paper grab bags, some Crafter's workshop Stencils, and soon to be available are Dylusions Ink sprays, and Crafter's Workshop Face Stencils... and psst... Next Week... the 7 Gypsies Binderie & adapter will be in stock (sorry, but no coupons allowed on this one). The next line I hope to be carrying is Golden Paints and Mediums... so keep an eye out for those!
Domestic Shipping is built into the price of every item. No ugly surprises at checkout. I offer coupons about once a month (register for the newsletter to your right). Hope you're all busy making something beautiful wth hands and your hearts,

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Saturday, February 4, 2012

as things go... (this is a long one)

Well... here it is February.. we've survived the better part of winter with no heat in the house... had only a few plumbing disasters and still are keeping our fingers crossed with the A/C unit... living here in the humid south, lack of air is intolerable for the dog and the boys.. me, I can survive it, but the boys are miserable. I've been spending a lot of time lately thinking about making decisions (not actually making them, but thinking about the process and prompting) and I've firmly decided that I do not like it. I am a much happier camper when things just need to be done, versus having to decide what needs to be done, and then doing it. That does mean that I do spend an extraordinary amount of time waiting for the world to decide what needs to happen and then struggling to find a way to deal with the duties of the decision. I am sitting at the crossroads with losing my house and am finding it really hard to make a decision. I know that if I just throw in the towel now, we'll be able to move in June... but I'm just not ready to make that decision. I keep hoping that some little miracle will come along that will allow me to save my house and this life that I've spent so many years rebuilding. I keep putting all my good energies out into the world and keep praying that the return will come in time to save what I so desperately believe I want. But I'm also quite sure that if we have to leave this house and we have to start over again, that that will be okay, too. It is not what I want... and not what, when I close my eyes, I see for my life... but it is still a life I can live. So I keep busy making art, putting fun products in the Planet You shop and I'm working hard at getting the next Planet You workshops ready for you. Sometimes what feels so very right in our heads or our hearts is still not quite right for the world... and that is where I am with the workshops right now. Making the jump from what is in my head to what goes out into the world is, at the moment, feeling like a great big huge flying leap across a rather treacherous chasm. It isn't. I KNOW that. But yes, even I have those little voices that say "no you can't" Perhaps because there are some rather large "No's" in my world at the moment, the little voice has more force than usual. Not more power, I won't give it that, but yes, more force. It is louder than usual; it talks for longer than usual, and it seems to be against just about everything instead of focusing on one or two things. The thing is, my little voice, the planet Kaere one, not the little nay-sayer, is a strong and sure voice. I love to share and give and I know that by doing both of those things, my voice only gets stronger. I know that the more of us there are, sharing our voices in whispers, or shouts, the better the world is. I know that I cannot make anyone else share, but I can give everyone the opportunity to be heard. I have to remember that I have to give that same opportunity t me. So... a bazillion years ago, the thing I wanted most was to write. I didn't really miss making art but I had trouble going a day without writing... once upon a time, I wrote some really wonderful stuff. I've lost most of it (due to the hurricane)and some of it reinvents itself in my head. Time to share a little...

When you found me
you touched me with
bitter hands, unsung music,
shattered images of dreams
stillborn in your heart.
You loved, lusted,(parry and thrust)
with velvet cloaked destruction.

When she found me
bruised, bloodied, shaking
but not shaken she said
"For you, it is imperative:
you must alwaysbe loved
correctly. The wrong
love will destroy you.

When I found me
a drop of poison
poised yet on my lips,
the glass pressed close
to reveal no breath,
No surrender so sweet
This dead Juliet.

so today, while the idea of making some art seemed like a good idea, I chose to go about a different way.

Make something beautiful with your heart and your hands,