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Saturday, February 4, 2012

as things go... (this is a long one)

Well... here it is February.. we've survived the better part of winter with no heat in the house... had only a few plumbing disasters and still are keeping our fingers crossed with the A/C unit... living here in the humid south, lack of air is intolerable for the dog and the boys.. me, I can survive it, but the boys are miserable. I've been spending a lot of time lately thinking about making decisions (not actually making them, but thinking about the process and prompting) and I've firmly decided that I do not like it. I am a much happier camper when things just need to be done, versus having to decide what needs to be done, and then doing it. That does mean that I do spend an extraordinary amount of time waiting for the world to decide what needs to happen and then struggling to find a way to deal with the duties of the decision. I am sitting at the crossroads with losing my house and am finding it really hard to make a decision. I know that if I just throw in the towel now, we'll be able to move in June... but I'm just not ready to make that decision. I keep hoping that some little miracle will come along that will allow me to save my house and this life that I've spent so many years rebuilding. I keep putting all my good energies out into the world and keep praying that the return will come in time to save what I so desperately believe I want. But I'm also quite sure that if we have to leave this house and we have to start over again, that that will be okay, too. It is not what I want... and not what, when I close my eyes, I see for my life... but it is still a life I can live. So I keep busy making art, putting fun products in the Planet You shop and I'm working hard at getting the next Planet You workshops ready for you. Sometimes what feels so very right in our heads or our hearts is still not quite right for the world... and that is where I am with the workshops right now. Making the jump from what is in my head to what goes out into the world is, at the moment, feeling like a great big huge flying leap across a rather treacherous chasm. It isn't. I KNOW that. But yes, even I have those little voices that say "no you can't" Perhaps because there are some rather large "No's" in my world at the moment, the little voice has more force than usual. Not more power, I won't give it that, but yes, more force. It is louder than usual; it talks for longer than usual, and it seems to be against just about everything instead of focusing on one or two things. The thing is, my little voice, the planet Kaere one, not the little nay-sayer, is a strong and sure voice. I love to share and give and I know that by doing both of those things, my voice only gets stronger. I know that the more of us there are, sharing our voices in whispers, or shouts, the better the world is. I know that I cannot make anyone else share, but I can give everyone the opportunity to be heard. I have to remember that I have to give that same opportunity t me. So... a bazillion years ago, the thing I wanted most was to write. I didn't really miss making art but I had trouble going a day without writing... once upon a time, I wrote some really wonderful stuff. I've lost most of it (due to the hurricane)and some of it reinvents itself in my head. Time to share a little...

When you found me
you touched me with
bitter hands, unsung music,
shattered images of dreams
stillborn in your heart.
You loved, lusted,(parry and thrust)
with velvet cloaked destruction.

When she found me
bruised, bloodied, shaking
but not shaken she said
"For you, it is imperative:
you must alwaysbe loved
correctly. The wrong
love will destroy you.

When I found me
a drop of poison
poised yet on my lips,
the glass pressed close
to reveal no breath,
No surrender so sweet
This dead Juliet.

so today, while the idea of making some art seemed like a good idea, I chose to go about a different way.

Make something beautiful with your heart and your hands,


Satina said...

Kaere, you're so brave for sharing this. I don't know if I know anyone that isn't going through something similar! What a time to be alive! Some choices we get to make and some are made for us, but I definitely think you're right to get clear on what you'd prefer. Then the trick is to detach and surrender to whatever higher power you lean on. I will be sending you angels.

Whispers and Wishes said...

Thanks Satina... it is part of my story, and hiding behind the "everything is going to be okay" idea isn't going to make everything okay.

Tralasong said...

This is touching and beautiful. I absolutely agree - the process of making a decision is not fun. Thank you for sharing this and your beautiful writing!

[Be a decision.]