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Thursday, February 23, 2012

There will be time and time Enough...

A million years ago, shortly after I stopped studying art and started studying language, I had a bit of a meltdown about writers who seemed to love obscurity for obscurity's sake... and then, I really did fall in love with TS Eliot...and that one line seems to always be at the center of my psyche...
The world has been slowly pushing me into decisions, making the way to make things clear... and so after surviving a winter with no heat, we've hit the first day of 80 degrees and Joe decided to test the air... no such luck. The line iced over and at least he turned the unit off before we ended up with another ceiling flood. But this is the catalyst... because Joe and Sea will be miserable in the heat of the summer here-- and we haven't the ability to use a different type of cooling system... so while we are just barely scraping by with the changes the SBA has made to our house note, we simply cannot replace a six thousand dollar air unit. So, I'll spend these couple of days off making arrangements for moving the family back east... and see what comes from really shaking the tree... The thing is that as hard as things have been here, as difficult as work is, I love being here. I love this house and my job and my work family and all the life we've been building here. The thing is that I can't believe that I'm going to lose my house for want of a six thousand dollar repair... and a few thousand additional dollars a year... it is that small an amount, and that much riding on it. And I have a hard time wrapping my head around that. The thing is that with all the great things beginning to come into our lives, nothing is happening fast enough to stop this slow-motion trainwreck. I'm brave... always have been and hopefully, always will be... but I'm scared about this... about disappointing people and the emotional back lash of feeling like a failure. I'm afraid that this surrender will be the beginning of a series of surrenders back into a life i don't want to live. I know that there are choices here, and that at the end of every hour I am in control of those but I feel a bit adrift. So I'm sitting here with a glass of wine and a cigarette and eyes with barely contained tears, sniffling in my sadness at a good bye I'm not really desiring. I'm sitting here calling in my miracles, all at once, please. just this one more time (because keeping us alive through Hurricane Katrina might have taken all the miracles I had at that time) and accepting that sometimes even the RIGHT answer isn't the one we most want. But I'm really hoping that there are still just enough miracles left in my life to keep us in this life here, in our house. We've gone so far as to set up a charity fund which makes me feel both grateful and ashamed at the same time. I believe that there is answer that will not diminish us. I just don't know what it is yet. so I keep up with my Book of Days journal

and I still try to do my best at work, I work on thePlanet You shop and am still working on the upcoming Planet You
workshops. Life is going to go on and I'm going to continue to do my best to find my place in it and offer peace and kindness where I can. "The world will turn, at least that's what they say, we'll crash and burn it's hard to look away, these kinds of things are easier to say than do." -- Aimee Mann

Make something beautiful with your heart and your hands,
Kaere

7 comments:

kathy said...

As ALWAYS... wishing for what is to be to present itself sooner than later....and hoping beyond hope its the answer you most desire. Stay strong.

Whispers and Wishes said...

thanks Kathy.

Annie said...

This makes me sad for you, sending you sprinklings of glitter and hope that you get the outcome you want.

Whispers and Wishes said...

thank you, Annie.

Kai said...

oh Kaere... I wish there was something I could do that would make an impact. I don't know what to say except platitudes... that the path before you may not be what you want, but it might prove to be what you need... that everything happens for some reason that may never be shown to us... that, well, sometimes, life just sucks and it's okay to grieve over the unwanted changes. HUGS to you, sweet one. I'm sending all the positive outcome energy I can spare your way!

Tralasong said...

So sad for you Kaere - I hope that you find some lightness soon! xoDi

Jenny Ann Fraser said...

Hello Kaere,
I am so sorry for what you are going through. I can relate. I have struggled so much in my life financially and I understand the burden.
One thing that stands out for me is your own judgment towards yourself. I know how hard it is, but if you forgive yourself you can let go of the judgement of others.
A Course in Miracles says that there is no order of difficulty when it comes to miracles. I think that it could be said that there is also no limit. Just allow yourself to believe that you are deserving. It is not of course a guarantee, but it might bring you some peace.