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Monday, October 17, 2011

Planet Kaere to Planet You

right.. so I've been sitting in the studio making backgrounds for some small art pieces that have been in my head for awhile and I just never stopped to sit down and make them... busy listening to a mix cd that I made of the music that makes me want to touch my heart with gentle hands and it occurred to me that to some of you I am a stranger.... so I thought I'd take the time to talk to you... not in the classroom, not as curriculum, but just me, Planet Kaere, to you... the world at large....
I recently was asked "how are you doing, really?" and I answered.... a big answer about being scared, terrified, really, about the place my world is right now... not where I am in it, because I know me pretty well, but my world... and that conversation has also been spinning round my head--- I really am Planet Kaere... and i really do live there. It has taken years to become her, and I love her dearly... on any given day when I'm presented the option to be someone else, I still choose me, but I won't tell you that the choice isn't hard. My bullshit meter is set at negative 2-- I hate being lied to, and being asked to compromise. I dislike learning things the hard way, even though that seems to be my forte. But I know that each day, the choice to not be here is mine... and that is every kind of here there is. I can choose not to go to work, not to get out of bed, not to breathe. The world will continue on just fine without me. It did before me, it will after, and it does on the days when I just plain check out for the day-- sure people get angry, and some get hurt, and sometimes I have some clean up to do afterwards--- but the world itself gets by just fine. My little boy will still get fed. Michaels will still open their doors at nine am. The sun will still rise. The bills will still be due. My place in the world is only as important as I let it be... my absence only as tragic as I let it be. I've lately been struck with dreams of being dead. It means that I'm not in a very good place for me, and that will fix or I will fix it, but it's amazing the sense of relief that accompanies those dreams... the "I don't have to so this today" that leaves me feeling free, not sad... Here on Planet Kaere, that means that I'm not living "right with my self" and that's a wonderful awakening-- a great place to be for as yucky as it feels... it's me giving myself a wake-up call... and it's always good when those come from within rather than with out. So... what I'm thinking is that for those of you who don't know me... (and those that do) Planet Kaere is a very real person-- I don't talk to you about Planet You because I have some degree in life management but because I've been there... and I know that sometimes it is easier to feel lost and alone than it is to choose lost and alone, or another course.... I am not always happy, not always excited, not always looking forward to the next thing... but I am always willing to be surprised, to be wrong and to be amazed... by you, by me, by the world at large. Today I found myself thinking not only about me, but about each of you-- do you know that your strength and courage amaze me?

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